Did you ever see anything so hideous? Scariest damn thing I ever saw. At first I thought an alien monster from outer space had attached itself to my husband in the grocery store. See the bulging body? See the mouthful of scary tentacles ready to pull you in and devour you in its enormous maw? I swear, if you held it up in front of small children, they would run screaming. The damage would last a lifetime.
My fears were (somewhat) allayed when Steve told me the bulging monstrosity was a celery root. But, wait -- what a great way to terrify the kiddies into good behavior. “Get into bed right now, or the Celery Root will get you!” “Eat your vegetables or the Celery Root will eat YOU!” Yikes.
Now, why, you may wonder, would someone pay good money for something like this? Is the taste appreciably different from mundane celery? (Lest the suspense kill you (heh,heh): taste: no; texture: yes.) We’re participating in a communal gourmet dinner, and after we julienne this thing and soak it and smother it in a mustard sauce a la Julia Child, it is going to form a (hopefully) delicious appetizer with the unsurprising name of Celery Root in Mustard Sauce.
It had better taste good because a celery root is a horrific object to contemplate. (Hey, isn’t this where I send my photos to an art museum and become acclaimed for my unusual still lifes?) The thought of getting near this thing is daunting. I see great possibilities for empowerment in triumphing over the bulbous beast, but equally enormous ego-reduction should it get me instead. I’m headed in after it now, large kitchen knife in hand. *shivers* If you hear from me no more, you’ll know I died bravely, fighting the good fight.
(Monday morning: obviously I prevailed. The dinner was delightful; the celery root tasted exactly like mustard.)
BOO!
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